The Hazards Of Online Dating

by JIMMY PLANT

After breaking up with my girlfriend I was starting to feel very alone. There were several weekends where I wouldn��t even hang out with my buddies because I just didn��t feel like leaving the house. Then my friend Tim gave me an idea.

��It��s the year 2008 man!�� he said, ��You have to get with the times. If you don��t want to leave your house to meet someone, you can just go online!��

I was skeptical of online dating, but Tim promised results, and he showed me several sites that he himself had set up. The first one was for mail-order German brides.

��We��re having a two for one sale today only!�� he cried. ��And shipping is free!��

��I��ll pass,�� I said

So he showed me another website where I quickly found what seemed to be the perfect girl. Her name was Michelle. She was about my age, with a great body and similar interests. On top of this she was a former beauty queen, a PhD, and in her spare time she tutored troubled inner-city youth.

��Wow!�� I said, ��Her other hobbies are drinking beer, watching Chargers games, and belching! She sounds amazing!��

And with a few clicks I had set up a date with my dream girl.

When Friday rolled around I was very excited. We had set up to meet at a small caf�� near my house. I wore my coolest duds and cologne, and made sure to arrive five minutes early.

��I��m here to meet Michelle for a hot date,�� I told the head waiter. He gave me a funny look and led me to a table.

��Hi sexy,�� said a gruff voice, ��They call me Michelle.��

Before stood the speaker��an ugly and horrifying apparition�� emitting a terrible stench. And most obviously, he was a man. A beer belly spilled out from under his shirt and a single tooth protruded from his rotting gums.

I shrieked and ran through the caf��, dodging waiters and overturning tables in my haste. Patrons screamed as I pushed them aside and with a running leap crashed through a glass window to the street outside.

Bloodied and winded, I sat up on the sidewalk and looked around me, feeling trapped in a nightmare. I looked up in horror.

Out of the caf����s wreckage, ��Michelle�� lumbered out towards me.

��I love it when you play hard to get,�� he called.

I found the strength to shriek again and run off down the street with Michelle in pursuit. I was heading toward a dead end and I knew only an act of god would save me.

��Don��t hate me cuz I��m beautiful!�� Michelle shouted.

Suddenly I heard an engine roar next to me. A pickup truck had pulled up to my left.

��Quick! Hop in!�� yelled the driver. Gratefully, I dove in and with another roar we drove off, leaving Michelle in the dust. I turned to look at the driver and I was shocked. It was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen! Already, I felt a strong bond between us forming.

��Thanks for saving me,�� I said. ��What��s your name.��

��Michelle,�� she answered, and for the third time that day I shrieked and passed out.

I sure am grateful to Michelle#1 for bringing me and Michelle#2 together. And I��m glad that Michelle#2 used Quadzilla Chips and Bully Dog exhaust systems, to soup up her truck, or I wouldn��t be alive today!

--Jimi Plant